an idiot blog for an idiot world

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I search for a moment of stillness, in between the past and the present, in between the has-been and the will-be. That one moment of perfect balance, when everything is as it should be, and I can truly say I’m happy and believe it. Unfortunately, happiness is fleeting and misery much more common. Every end is a beginning, they say but I killed a bug yesterday, squashed it with a piece of paper. And afterwards, I felt a pang of regret. This end has no beginning. This end is the end of this life. Before my end, will there be a moment of stillness? One moment, one single moment, one single solitary moment, that’s all I could ever ask for.

And yet every moment seems tempered by its own evanescence. There were fireflies in the night, flickering like tiny stars. I sat on a rock and watched them, trying to draw constellations between their always shifting shapes. It was a moment of serenity, maybe that stillness I search for. And yet, it was over and I felt hollow, for lack of a better word, as if scooped out from within. This moment had passed and each moment from now would be a disappointment, each fading into the other, each as elusive as the next. Until another moment.

I wonder why happiness is always in the past tense for me. I am not happy now. I’m fine. I’m okay. I’m good. I’m not happy. When we pass each other, and you say hi, how are you, do you really care? No. No one does. Its banal. Its endlessly repeating, interaction after interaction, caught in an endless spiral like Jimmy Stewart in Hitchcock’s Vertigo. Its a specter that haunts me, the ghost of moments past, those I will never have again. Of times long gone, of ages past. I’m 23 now, and I will never again be 16, 17, 18.

What happens now?

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Written by Pranaya

June 30, 2010 at 12:32 PM

Posted in Uncategorized

4 Responses

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  1. “I’m 23 now, and I will never again be 16, 17, 18 What happens now?”

    This touched me most…

    S

    July 7, 2010 at 1:54 AM

  2. a beautiful write!!!!

    suban

    July 7, 2010 at 4:28 AM

  3. … love this post 😛

    raingirl

    July 16, 2011 at 3:48 AM

  4. “I search for a moment of stillness, in between the past and the present, in between the has-been and the will-be. That one moment of perfect balance, when everything is as it should be.” – Love this.

    Why are we always in-between what has been and what will be? Why can’t this moment be just the way we want it to be? But, there are such moments – like standing at the top of a mountain in your lover’s arms and watching the eagles fly and the vast landscape as far as your eyes can reach. They are moments when one can be perfectly happy. But then reality saps in. The thought of responsibility and the thought of future begins to mess our heads. Yet, there are those moments – perfect moments. I’m happy about that. I just wish those moments were longer (as long as eternity may be!) 🙂

    Kreeti

    August 27, 2012 at 11:35 PM


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