a catalog of injuries
1. nasal fracture
2. skull fracture
3. subtemporal hematoma (blood in the brain)
4. broken clavicle
5. mass fracture of two vertebrae (C7 T1)
6. swelling in the brain
7. bell’s palsy (facial paralysis of the left side)
8. a hole in the ear
these are the most extensive injuries i have ever suffered in my life. i don’t quite know how close i came to death but i assume i was spared. most of my injuries have healed now. the nasal fracture was little to begin with, the skull fracture has healed and so have the mass fractures in the vertebrae. the broken clavicle was operated on and now i have a metal plate in my shoulder. the ear is healing slowly, although a sharp ringing accompanies most of my day. the only thing that remains is the paralysis. its more of an annoyance than a real injury. it doesn’t hurt but it nags. i cannot eat properly, i cannot drink properly and every word i speak sounds as if it comes through mush. its like the left side of my face is under novocaine forever. its frustrating to not be able to move a part of your own body. to look in the mirror and try with all your will, all your might to move that eyebrow, that side of the lips, to hold that eyelid down. but they don’t respond. a connection has been severed somewhere and it is unpleasant.
i think about the fairness of it all and then remind myself of the stupidity. what fairness? has there ever been any in the world? there is no balance, no ying and yang. its all absurd. life is most random and to try and look for patterns is not just foolish but inane and stupid. and yet i feel a desire to scream, to yell, to vent, to be angry at something, anything for doing this to me. i want to believe in god so that i can curse at him. because all i feel right now is impotent rage, an anger at nothing, that has no object and hence, is useless.
what is it about me that the world cannot stand? is that a question i’m allowed to ask? or does that infer some faith in a higher power? whether that be god or nature? depression is anger without enthusiasm. and i feel myself sliding down. what is to be done? the doctors say the medicine isn’t working yet, give it time they say. i have. i just don’t know how much time my sanity has left. its frayed already and on edge. it might snap any second and then what? reduced to a blubbering idiot? not just foaming at the mouth but frothing at the brain.
and you know the worst part? i can’t think straight. i can’t focus. my brain feels sluggish, as if its dragging something very heavy behind it. what if i lose my brain? what if this dullness is permanent? what if what if what if? i live in perpetual fear. i don’t want tomorrow to come, for who knows what crisis it might bring. this is what its like to live in mortal fear. the fear of losing your mind.